The Liquor Vicar
THE
LIQUOR
VICAR
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THE MILDLY CATASTROPHIC
MISADVENTURES OF TONY VICAR
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The Liquor Vicar
Coming 2022:
The Vicar’s Knickers
VINCE R.
DITRICH
THE
LIQUOR
VICAR
THE MILDLY
CATASTROPHIC
MISADVENTURES
OF TONY VICAR
Copyright © Vince R. Ditrich, 2021
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise (except for brief passages for purpose of review) without the prior permission of Dundurn Press. Permission to photocopy should be requested from Access Copyright.
All characters in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Publisher and acquiring editor: Scott Fraser | Editor: Shannon Whibbs
Cover designer: Laura Boyle
Cover image: Illustration by Laura Boyle; car: adapted by Sophie Paas-Lang from shutterstock.com/Dmitry Natashin
Printer: Marquis Book Printing Inc.
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Title: The liquor Vicar / Vince R. Ditrich.
Names: Ditrich, Vince R., 1963- author.
Identifiers: Canadiana (print) 20200376896 | Canadiana (ebook) 20200376950 | ISBN 9781459747258 (softcover) | ISBN 9781459747265 (PDF) | ISBN 9781459747272 (EPUB)
Classification: LCC PS8607.I87 L57 2021 | DDC C813/.6—dc23
We acknowledge the support of the Canada Council for the Arts and the Ontario Arts Council for our publishing program. We also acknowledge the financial support of the Government of Ontario, through the Ontario Book Publishing Tax Credit and Ontario Creates, and the Government of Canada.
Care has been taken to trace the ownership of copyright material used in this book. The author and the publisher welcome any information enabling them to rectify any references or credits in subsequent editions.
The publisher is not responsible for websites or their content unless they are owned by the publisher.
Dundurn Press
1382 Queen Street East
Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4L 1C9
dundurn.com, @dundurnpress
Contents
Prologue / Aqua Velveeta
One / Elvis Has Definitely Left the Building
Two / Jackie O with a Q
Three / A Sign from Above
Four / Rah Rah Ross Poutine
Five / Enter Liquor
Six / Randy with the Weak Handshake
Seven / Con-Con
Eight / Hardware Store Epiphany
Nine / Halo
Ten / Night of the Living Dead
Eleven / The Moment
Twelve / Holy Smoke
Thirteen / The Gathering Storm
Fourteen / The Elephant in the Room
Fifteen / Let Them Eat Pasta
Sixteen / The Hinge of Fate
Seventeen / Let Us Therefore Brace Ourselves
Eighteen / There Are No Small Gigs
Nineteen / Rack and Pinion
Twenty / Van Damage
Twenty-One / Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
Twenty-Two / No Garden-Variety Johnson
Twenty-Three / Day-O
Twenty-Four / Tight, White, and Strangely Right
Twenty-Five / Cygnus X-1
Twenty-Six / Hospital
Twenty-Seven / Billy
Twenty-Eight / Of Moose and Men
Twenty-Nine / Melting Resistance
Thirty / Irreversible Actions
Thirty-One / The Bunker
Thirty-Two / Downfall
Thirty-Three / Life Swap
Thirty-Four / Cheese in Many Forms
Thirty-Five / Arithmetic of Aftermath
Thirty-Six / Quiet Departure
Thirty-Seven / Hocus-Pocus
Thirty-Eight / The Axis of Tweed
Thirty-Nine / Ocean View
Forty / Famine and Feast
Forty-One / Named After a Battlefield
Forty-Two / Caduceus Oil
Forty-Three / The Past Is Prologue
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Dedicated to
Masters Oliver Vince & Parker Robert Alexander
Ditrich
Duo faciunt orbis terrarum
Prologue / Aqua Velveeta
She can’t move. She is taped to a kitchen chair and wonders when her end will come. Listening carefully to the bizarre byplay of her kidnappers, she struggles to understand. The tall, dangerous beauty pacing around her is the unchallenged leader, narcissistic and steeped in a world visible only to herself. Her aims are achieved by alternating between graphic sexuality and brutal sadism. She is reckless, dangerous, volatile, and totally in control.
The minions surrounding her are incapable of anything other than obedience, lest they make their queen bee unhappy. None of them seems strong enough to put up any kind of resistance. The whole scenario is hard to believe, yet here it is, laid out.
What kind of tortured childhood did this kidnapper suffer? She screams for “the Vicar” once again, then spins dramatically on her heel. After casting about the place, she picks up the little cheddar slicer and brandishes it like a terrorist on a TV show. The victim imprisoned on the chair takes the threat seriously, yet also appreciates the absurd possibility that she will be killed courtesy of a shiv with the word fromage punched into its blade, which is being waved around wildly by a child in the body of a goddess. It is like some kind of morphine dream, a jumbled and scrambled Greek tragedy — but Oedipus didn’t use a cheese knife.
The kidnapper moves back to the wall and screams something about doing a swap for the Vicar. Immobilized on the cracked vinyl, the hostage is frightened and powerless. At that moment, she senses Vicar’s presence like a low-frequency thrum running through her chest. She can smell him, his aftershave. Something is afoot. She knows it.
One / Elvis Has Definitely
Left the Building
Tony Vicar was jammed in a corner, but at least he was right beside the bar. It was a mobile affair on casters offering only battery-acid wine from a bag and urine-like beer in cans. Another damn wedding. He loathed them. The cheap rotgut would have to do.
A couple standing off to the side halfway along the room kept glancing up at his DJ booth. Only she spoke, while he nodded in wordless agreement. Clearly, she was informing him of what he thought. A damned meat puppet, thought Vicar.
He selected another track, cross-faded, and watched as a portly bridesmaid was asked to dance by some old fart pretending to be genteel. He wore generic black pants — pleated, with massive cuffs — old-man dress shoes — cushioned, practical, and hideous — and a coat with the nap of an indoor/outdoor mat, too tight to button up, though the wretched artifact had probably fit him a thousand Meat Lover’s pizzas ago. Vicar imagined the cocktail napkin likely to be found in the left-hand pocket: square, blue, with silver print reading Rotary Club Win and Dine ’91. It would be crumpled and have snot and a smear of late-twentieth-century brie on it. That jacket should come with a sermon.
Bridesmaid dresses were in abundance, the garb of self-flagellating public shame willingly borne by the girlfriends so as to lower public expectations of the bride — an uggo, otherwise why have her wedding at the world’s oldest Eagles Hall, and why to that big meathead?
This bridesmaid, though. Behind a corsage as large as a Mesozoic rhododendron, her features were barely visible. She was
cinched up in light-apricot and grey velveteen, a dress so alarmingly tight that the fair maiden in question looked like a knackwurst seconds from splitting on the barbie. Her gunt was going to blow clean through and engulf that old man who was sheathed in the tweed George Mallory died in. Vicar thought of the theatre scene from The Blob. Shit like this could drive a man to drink.
He shuddered, and without even looking, reached to his right, toward the long lineup of drinks he’d preordered, each to be downed in one greedy gulp. It helped, even though it tasted like unfiltered donkey piss. Just then, he saw the Meat Puppeteer prod her dutiful errand boy.
Skinny and hunched, as if revealing his whip marks to the entire gathering, he nervously shuffled toward the DJ booth. Vicar’s eyes narrowed. It would be either “Take It Easy” or “Brown Eyed Girl.” The bowed lackey glanced back at the Puppeteer for reassurance as he neared the podium, so Vicar knew it was “Brown Eyed Girl.” That moron.
“Excuse me, we have a request. Do you take requests?”
Har-dee-fuckin’-har. “We” have a request. Vicar suppressed a smirk. Do I take requests? No, no, I’m here for ART’s sake, you stupid idiot. Flatly, Vicar replied, “‘Brown Eyed Girl’?”
The man’s eyes opened wide. “How did you know?” he blurted.
Vicar lowered his voice so that it couldn’t quite be heard over the current song. “The musically retarded always ask for that one first.” Second is “Old Time Rock and Roll,” you thick fuck, he added to himself. Hunched Meat Puppet couldn’t make him out. He just offered an ingratiating smile and beat a retreat to his taskmistress.
Dark and getting darker by the minute, Vicar banged back two fast beers, squeezing the cans dramatically as if for show, although no one gave him a glance. He belched sonorously after finishing each one. He was nicely tipsy now and feeling entertained by the tableau before him. The best man approached and yelled in his ear: “They’re going to do the first dance now. You have the song ready?”
Dismissively, Vicar said, “Yeah, yeah. Right here. Just gimme the sign.”
The best man pulled out a script from his inside pocket and nervously looked it over. “Okay, I’ll just give you a thumbs-up, like this.” He eagerly demonstrated his cheery thumbs-up.
“A-okay, Buzz,” Vicar responded dryly. Nonplussed, the best man smiled weakly and quickly departed.
With that, Vicar tried some of the wine in a bag. A headache in a sack. Hurl waiting to be hurled. Pish in, puke out. Blush hemlock Chablis. Hopefully, an atrocity strong enough to kill him before some stupid cowpoke’s mother-in-law requested the “Bird Dance.”
There was some kind of commotion, and people started gathering and shuffling around, clearly in preparation for this, the last stupid fucking item on the list of stupid fucking things done by people with beige and white houses in the stupid fucking suburbs who’d never had an original thought in their stupid fucking lives. If, heaven forbid, the roof ever collapsed on the local Costco, they’d all perish simultaneously, crushed into a slurry of factory-made salsa and discontiguous body parts.
He mumbled now, edgy and resentful, nicely pissed, and richly enjoying his saturated, boozy perception in the disco lights. It was a welcome distraction from his worsening mood. How in the hell had he gotten here? He had been denied by the fates. He had practised it, he had imagined it, he had lived it. But he’d never quite been able to loft himself over the top. He had dreamed of being big time, yet here he was, barely employed, in the dim corner of this decrepit banquet room.
Best Man gave the thumbs-up, and Vicar faded into the pre-selected song. He dutifully made an announcement — he didn’t even slur much — then played the song.
He watched the groom — probably only his second time in a suit — clumsily steer his tittering bride around the floor. Good Christ, she’s wearing a headband. Ha! Get her some wristbands, too. Vicar immediately dubbed her Chunderwoman. As the wedding party circled around and took photos, he got on the microphone and began to sing along with Anne Murray in mock exultation. “Do I get this dunce for the rest of my life?” A few people noticed and grimaced, but he just cackled and downed another beer.
For emergencies he had a bottle of Johnnie Walker Red in his case. It was an emergency. He grabbed a wineglass and ice and filled it with his smuggled Scotch hidden under the linen tablecloth, then camouflaged himself behind a centrepiece so ghastly and obese that he’d left it there for laughs and worked it into the show. Cheap carnations and funeral-home lilies. He muttered to himself, “Very interesting … but schtoopid.” His silly pantomime was such an ancient comedy reference that no one even smiled as he leered through the flower stalks.
He grimly downed the four-ounce serving of Scotch on the rocks and felt a bracing burn. Setting aside the glass and taking a breath, he gathered up his costume and began putting it on. He had been reduced to this: a DJ who did an Elvis impersonation.
Oh, how the excitement built as people began to take notice of his costume. A white, bedazzled Superman suit, spandex and magnificent. A full wig with adhesive sideboards. The classic Elvisian shades. A belt so baroque it made Batman’s seem delicate. As Vicar stood up from his boot-donning crouch, he heard a gale of shrieks erupt. He looked around with disgust. Don’t tell me these idiots are going to be INTO this, he thought. Let’s just get it over with so I can pocket the extra hundred bucks, and they can get back to their curling bonspiels.
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The mood shifts as the lights change to red and blue. Tony Vicar drunkenly cues up the playlist of his Elvis medley and starts the audio, which commences with the low, sustained notes of “Also Sprach Zarathustra” — theme of 2001: A Space Odyssey and epic Elvis walk-on number. The crowd surges toward him, and he has a long haul on yet another Scotch. Ronnie Tutt’s double kick drum intro starts up, and Elvis Vicar enters the building.
He starts flailing his hips, and some of the older women look up apprehensively as Vicar concludes that they haven’t witnessed a gyrating crotch in years. Everyone is grinning. His gut is barely contained by the spandex. Elvis launches energetically into “See See Rider.” The crowd is jumping up and down. One woman clad in dusty-rose chiffon ululates excitedly but is unable to clap in time, not even on one and three. She is so haphazard that she nearly forces Vicar off the groove. He wonders if she is hearing impaired and turns away.
He is drunk, already out of breath before the first chorus and putting serious welly into something he detests doing. With blazing-fast tempo into a dramatic stop, Ronnie Tutt gives two Bucket of Fish drum fills and then, boom, right into the next tune, “An American Trilogy.” During the big pause before “Glory, Glory, Hallelujah,” Vicar takes another huge pull on the Scotch. At the climactic lyric, “His truth is marching on,” he feels a clench of peristalsis in his lower bowel on the high note and hopes he hasn’t just shat his white costume.
He is fully, obviously intoxicated now, stumbling, slurring. He loses his footing on the step and cracks his arm down on the DJ rig. It glitches and starts playing “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.” Too drunk to fix the problem, he just starts Elvising out Lightfoot lyrics as they flash through his muzzy mind. Guttural lines like “Hey fellas, yeahhh, it’s too rough to feed ya … in the ghetto.”
Someone cracks up laughing at that, so he makes it a theme. “You ain’t nothin’ but a big lake they call Gitche Gumee … in the ghetto.” His head lolls randomly as he delivers the low notes. With no concept of how far off centre his bubble is, he thinks he’s pulling it off with aplomb.
The pretty bartender, her eyes crinkled possibly in amusement, has had her jaw agape for at least three entire minutes, licking her lips anxiously as though she can’t quite comprehend the vision before her.
Elvis begins his requisite but ill-conceived Kingly karate moves, teetering dangerously, kicking wildly, yipping “hi-yah” bizarrely, and finally finding it impossible to get back up from his dramatic ducking manoeuvre. He is stuck on his haunches, lowing, “In the ghetto … and his
mamma cried,” like a forlorn yak stuck in a creek bed. Through the fog it dawns on him that he may have touched cloth during his perilous squat. By now the room has begun to turn on the King. The older, more sober folks are departing, most of them hastening to the coat check.
The music fades out to silence, and he is crouched in the wash of coloured light, wobbling precariously, slurring a great deal, and desperately needing a good crap. In a flash of inspiration, he announces in his best Elvis voice, “C’mon, ev’ra-body. Come watch how the King met his end.” Listing like the SS Andrea Doria and wilting to the floor, he shakily dismounts the stage, a small coterie of curious onlookers in tow. Sounding a lot more like Foghorn Leghorn than Elvis, he expounds, “I shall, I say, I shall re-create the last moments of Elvis Presley, the King of Rock and Roll. Yes, I, I, I shall show the world how we lost our King.” As he marches directly toward the bathroom, he points at a boy of perhaps ten or eleven and foghorns, “Nice kid, but a little hmmm.” The boy’s mother draws him up in a protective embrace and looks back at Elvis with shock.
Upon entering the john, Elvis gets off his spandex pants, perches on the toilet with the stall door open, and begins singing vaguely about “bigga bigga hunks” of something or other. Apparently they’d doo, they’d doo. With that, his bowels unleash an acrid spray of hot liquid, and one of the women who has drunkenly followed him lets loose a blood-curdling scream, triggering the spectators to recoil in a whiplash of abject revulsion and bringing that portion of the evening’s entertainment, and any future Tony Vicar might have had as an Elvis-impersonating wedding DJ, to a screeching halt.
Two / Jackie O with a Q
Vicar woke with a jarring splash of acid in his gut and realized he was badly hungover in a strange bed, with no immediate recollection of how he’d ended up there. As he tried to piece together the events leading up to his awakening, he discovered he still had one fake sideburn glued to his left cheek, and the bedazzled waistcoat of his costume was twisted uncomfortably and constricting his arm.